This is one of those “I had to share” posts, so if you don’t care for that sort of spiel, move along, move along.

On my recent trip to Portland I had the pleasure of flying on Alaska Airlines - a way better airline than I’m used to, at least in terms of awesome “breakfast cookie” quality and seat comfort. I got to fly on Alaska a few times as a kid, when I’d get to go on “working vacations” with my dad to Spokane and Wenatchee, Washington. I think I’m fond of Alaska because I associate it with flying over the Pacific Northwest, which has to be one of the most beautiful and amazing places to fly over, and I’m the kind of asshole who insists on flying in the window seat so I can press my face to the glass and stare out the window, sometimes for whole flights.

Anyways, on to the poking. I’m one of those people who doesn’t listen to the safety talk or thoroughly read the pamphlet. I figure that I’ll have plenty of time to look over the essential details as the plane is descending to get the gist of what I’m supposed to be doing. But there was no Sky Mall to read while we were taxiing, and the free magazine sucked, so I picked up the safety instructions instead.

Although most of the images just served to remind me of “calm as Hindu cows“, two in particular have been tickling my instructional diagram fancy since I saw them. Good thing I’ve got my own copy to feed to the scanner. On to the images and the bleeding sharp edge of my wit.

Alaska Airlines hatch instructions

Above - The emergency hatch operation diagram. You open it, drop the bouncy ramp and jump out. Basic, boring, etc…
airplane hatch operation steps 5 & 6

Above - I hope that it’s the product of some overactive illustrator’s secret joy, but the body positioning of the jumping passenger seems so full of childish joy, as if he drew her in the “on a swing” position, sans swing. And then look at how we end our journey, jumping down an inflatable slide into a picturesque alpine meadow. That mountain is probably echoing with the blare of an alphorn fresh from a Ricola commercial 24/7, it’s so damn picturesque. Crash landing in that alpine meadow probably puts you in a better destination than the place you paid them to move your meat and/or goods to.

airline no-nos

Above - Five things they don’t want you to do on the airplane. These certainly aren’t the only things they don’t want you doing on an airplane, but they see these as significant enough to merit their own icon with slashed circle no-no indicator.  Basically they don’t want you broadcasting any “waves” or smoke” while you’re on the plane. I get that. I think we all get that by now. I can’t believe they even have to put the no smoking warning on planes anymore - if there’s been any distinct sign of evolution in human culture in the past fifty years it’s been the decline on smoking in enclosed areas.

But the thing that piques my interest is the remote control sports car. Was there ever an incident or situation that merits that warning? Has anyone ever operated a remote control vehicle while traveling in a passenger aircraft? I’m imagining some trifecta of asshattery wherein some hydrocephalic misanthrope inflates one of those remote control blimps by secretly exhaling his cigarette smoke into it in the bathroom (after disabling the smoke detector - does that ever really happen?) and then swings the tiny door wide open, sending his remote control smoke bomb floating down the aisle in a desperate protest against “the man” and his “system”.

Given that I can’t even take a properly sized container of toothpaste/lubricant/water/soap onto a plane these days, do you suppose that it’s still cool to carry on a remote control. You might as well try and go on the plane wearing a faux bomb vest made out of Hickory Farms summer sausages, it’s just not going happen, man. If it’s not cool to have a proper Leatherman in my bag, or to have a sealed canister of soda - could it possibly be kosher to enjoy your dose of security theatre while transporting a remote control Ferrari?

Anyways, that’s my totally meaningless rumination on the finer points of Alaska Airlines aircraft Safety Information. I’m sure the dudes at Alaska do a great job and their information is no more or less informative than any other airlines’, and I’m eternally grateful to them for the view of the Northwest, the breakfast cookie (salty bagged airplane snacks suck) and the decent seat.