Howard the Duck cassette coverSome people say chickens are nature’s way of making more eggs. But there is nothing in nature that accounts for the stupidity of George Lucas, who birthed this poor, failed piece of media.

As a child, I had a fascination with Howard, as he was definitely the standout character on my Marvel Comics character puzzle. Being one of their shortest characters, he lurked around, in full view, at the bottom of the puzzle, chomping his cigar, looking irritated. He probably reminded me of most of the men in my family, grumpy, cigar-chomping Jews, filled with sarcasm and with no shortage of absurdist irony. He was the first comic character I could relate to, and I still have a certain sympathy for the poor guy to this day.

Back to the soundtrack… George Lucas, piss drunk and bloated upon the success of Star Wars, squatted over America’s theatres and let loose his bowels. Sure, he didn’t actually direct the movie, he did spare society that displeasure. But he did hire Willard Huyck, who’s previous gig was doing the character design on the Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom video game.

Somewhere a factory was turning out cassette tape soundtracks, oblivious to the impending failure of the film itself. But back further, at some point during the filming, little Thomas Dolby, who’s sole contribution to society was the promotion of British science overenthusiast Magnus Pyke, was busily knob twiddling, producing the score composed and conducted by John Barry, who got roped into this gig, probably at gunpoint. Regardless, no one had the foresight to call up the factory and put a stop to production, to fill up a container with the offending tapes and bury them deep, or explode them with dynamite.

I didn’t buy this tape new, either. Somewhere, someone bought this tape. Sure, it’s in almost virginal shape, but someone went and saw the movie and said - “I’ve got to have a tape of this music!” Maybe someone bought it as a gag gift, I don’t know. Maybe it was purchased by FBI agents looking to broaden their “music for playing at cultist compounds at high volume collection”, and after Waco, it made its way into my hands via the Goodwill. We may never know.

Neatly divided into two sections, the A side of this cassette focuses on the more rockin’ tracks that an interdimensional duck might enjoy as he protagonises his way towards the conclusion of the film. None of these tracks has any redeeming value, and repeated listening will reveal no truth, nor give one any insight into the film, whatsoever. Although they do provide an opportunity to hear Lea Thompson’s silvery pipes. The B side that really shines. Although you can’t polish a turd, all turds have a silver lining, and the B side of this cassette would be the lining in this case. For the B side is mercifully all instrumental. Here’s where John Barry put his “I co-wrote the Bond theme, goddamnit!” skills to work, serving the needs of this collossal flop. You be the judge of his success. The goods:

Side A

  1. Hunger City
  2. Howard the Duck
  3. Don’t Turn Away
  4. It Don’t Come Cheap
  5. I’m on My Way

Side B

  1. Lullaby of Duckland
  2. Journey to Earth
  3. You’re the Duckiest
  4. Ultralight Flight
  5. Beddy-Bye for Howard
  6. Dark Overlord